Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Celebrity Stinks

I was wondering around Boots the other day, bored out of my mind, dragged there by my partner so he could shop for grooming products. While he shopped I played around in the perfume section, browsing over smells for women, as you do. It seems every celebrity from Katie (Jordan) Price to Kate Moss, even Kylie Minogue, have a fragrance to flog this season. Why any woman would want to smell of a signature fragrance from Katie Price is beyond me. The whole notion of fragrances endorsed by celebrities has always baffled me. Curious, I took the opportunity while my partner shopped to sample them all, starting with Kylie. I sprayed her on a little piece of paper and waved her under my nose. PHEWWW! Kylie smells, not of Aphrodite, but a compost heap. Poor Kylie, downgraded by rotting veg. Moving on, Katie Price's "Precious Love" just stunk of desperation and onions. I was soon in a spraying frenzy, filling the air with famous lady smells. YUK! Britney's "Eay De Parfum" was hardly a fun filled circus and stunk like a poop filled horse stable. I had created a haze of celebrity smells, wafting through Boots, sales assistants stared at me disapprovingly. I like spraying sample bottles, it seems to offend anyone within a one-meter radius. So, I carried on. So many famous smells still to spray, to offend - Katy Perry, Paris Hilton, Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Lopez all stunk, BADLY.

However, nothing could prepare me for Coleen Rooney's Pong. If you haven't heard of Coleen Rooney, all you need to know is, she's married to an English footballer and has an open relationship with him. It seems women who marry football players are very popular when it comes to selling bottled smells, as Mrs. Rooney prooves. I picked up another little piece of paper and sprayed Coleen's fragrance on it. Unfortunately no one warned me that Coleen's hole would open up and gush like a garden hose. I was chocking on Coleen's lady mist, hacking up a lung, ducking behind a counter, mortified. A sales assistant rushed over, snatched Coleen's bottle out of my hand and told me off with a single glare from her eyes. As I hurried off, embarrassed, she began to cough loudly. Clearly I wasn't the only one offended by Coleen's smell. Coleen Rooney's fragrance was by far the worse smell I have ever been hit with, a combination of old sweaty gym socks and vinegar. Her STINK stuck to me for days, I'm still scrubbing it off days later and it lingers below my nose as I type this. I don't think I'll ever spray another celebrity fragrance again. I mean god forbid Ann Widdecombe decides to launch a fragrance, a single spray could take my last breath and end my life. Maybe I should stay out of the women's fragrance department of Boots, I mean what was I doing there in the first place, they do have a mens section boasting David Beckham's new fragrance.

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